Respond To Homophobia

How do you respond to homophobic abuse by others without coming off as a total douche? A list of scenarios and responses would be nice.

Someone Assumes You're Straight

• Perhaps be coy about it. You're a cashier, and a straight guy asks why you don't hit on hot girls when they come in. Do you really have to alienate him or make him uncomfortable by saying you don't swing that way? Or could you just shrug it off and say they're not your type?
• What about when a male coworker is asking about the muff diving you do around the water cooler? This is just male comraderie. No need to make the environment more hostile for the next gay guy who works there. Gay people take up 10% of the population, but a lot of people don't realize one in ten of their friends might be a fruit. Public pronouncements about being gay aren't necessarily a good idea.

Someone Calls You a Fag

Obviously, not if they're trying to pick a fight. The idea is to diffuse the situation, not to make it come to blows. I'm sure you'll get some street cred over at the gay bars, but in real life you might want to consider choosing your battles.

• Agree with them, but please god don't offer to suck their cock. Nobody wants to hear that shit.
  • A good response is possibly, "Oh, shit, sorry. Wrong crowd." Then laugh it off and start being butch. Maybe mock butchiness a little. :) They've already decided you're gay, so why be afraid of it?

You get clubbed in the head

• You're getting jumped. That blows. Go to a hospital and lick your wounds.