There's an old joke that goes: "There are two kinds of gay men: size queens and liars."

That's not true, of course; plenty of guys prefer men with average-or-smaller endowments. But it's safe to say there are two kinds of guys who say they have huge dicks: they're either liars or men with Guinness-astonishing, butt-busting cocks. Is a love of size greedy and superficial? One size-seeker says no: "I just love a really big piece of hard meat, the thicker the better. It's a natural wonder, like the Grand Canyon."

There is, of course, the question of just what to do with that guy in a thousand who really does have ten inches or more. After all, the Grand Canyon won't fit up your butt. (Though, with relaxation and practice, even the hungest of the hung can be accommodated.) Still, there's a common assumption that bigger really is better; how else to explain the unending stream of penis-enlargement spam that floods our e-mail accounts? No matter how irrational it may be, most of us gay men, those of us with less-than-huge jimmies, can't help but envy the astonishingly hung. Sure, that extra inch or three doesn't equate to super-masculinity; there are plenty of femmy guys with dangling dongs. Still, when you look at a horse-hung man, mere rationality fails. Thick, veiny, and _really_ big - who wouldn't want a piece of that?

And what about the owners of major meat? The late porn actor Scott O'Hara, known for having "The Biggest Dick in San Francisco," took it all with a grain of salt, often bemoaning the fact that most guys, upon viewing his endowment, refused to treat him like the bottom he was. Still, he managed to found a career in part on his talent for self-sucking a shaft that began where most guys' ended.

Jonah Falcon is hung even bigger, a man with a humongous piece, documented at a mind-boggling 13-plus inches. "I'm longer than my forearm, thicker than my wrist," he says, and photos bear him out. He has, somehow, managed to live with his blessings and cope with his admirers. "I enjoy having my ego stroked sometimes. I like complimentary talk during sex, so long as it's sincere, but that's only during sex."

Obviously, most of us would like to be approached as more than just a piece of meat, at least usually. So how does Jonah deal with men who are hunting inches? "Actually, I usually try to seek out size queens a bit, because a lot of guys don't want to _attempt_ to let me fuck them," he says. "So I usually try for guys who find my size a turn-on and love the rest of me, too." And perhaps that's the most important thing. Sure, it's nice to be objectified every once in a while, but a big dick isn't an accomplishment, it's a genetic gift. In our bigger-is-better culture of triple cheeseburgers and big-as-a-house SUVs, tree-trunk cocks fill most of us with awe. But they may not be a total life-transforming blessing for those who are immensely hung. (For one thing, try and find a jockstrap that fits....)

And as for the rest of us, the less than spectacularly gifted? Well, take heart. As the old song says, "It ain't the meat, it's the motion."