>From an interview with Peter Jackson I read, he was *contractually >obligated* to provide a 2 hour cut, but the PTB liked the 3 hour cut enough >to let it stand.

That puts the fear of God in me: FotR? in two hours. "Abridged" is a weak word to describe that result. The three-hour version is already sliced up, just what can you delete from /it/?


Frodo: Hi, Gandalf!

Gandalf: Bilbo, give him your ring.

Bilbo: Okay. Bye!

Gandalf: See you at the pub, Frodo.

Frodo: Doo-de-do.

Nazgul: Boo!

Frodo: Eeeek!

Merry: (pops up out of nowhere) Eeeek!

Pippin: (ditto) Eeeek!

Sam: Ha ha, can't catch us now!

Tom Bombadil: Hello little friends!

Frodo: No time for you, weirdo.

Tom Bombadil: (disappears)

Saruman: See, all I had to do was cross out "Good" on my business cards and write "Bad," and I'm all set.

Gandalf: I never saw /that/ coming.

Saruman: Excuse me while I tend to my vast army of evil orcs and war machinery which were in plain sight.

Gandalf: Alas, if only he had imprisoned me at the top of a high tower without walls or ceiling so that he could not prevent a giant eagle from rescuing me, instead of in the canonical dungeon deep underground. Oh, wait.

Frodo: (whispering) Keep a low profile.

Pippin: (loudly) And don't mention your real name, right?

Merry: (loudly) Or the ring either, right?

Strider: Right. Don't mention the ring. (laughs) It's okay, I'll save you.

Pippin: (whining) Are we there yet?

Nazgul: Bwa ha ha ha. Give us the ring, little worm.

Frodo: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names-

Sam: Hmm, looks like swords work too.

Strider: Go away, bad men!

Nazgul: The five of us must flee, for we are outnumbered by this one Ranger!

Frodo: Wow, we're in Rivendell!

Merry: That was easy.

Pippin: Don't knock it.

Sam: Elves are cool!

Elrond: Get the hell out of my place, I don't need trouble.

Gimli: You can't throw them out while I'm here!

Legolas: Same for me!

Elrond: Right, all of you wankers leave now.

Gandalf: But I just got here.

Boromir: I'll just invite myself along. No real reason. Certainly not because I have larceny on my mind. Nope.

Strider: Look, they fixed my sword! (swish) Wheeeee!

Frodo: Such beautiful scenery. The green grass and leaves are so- [THUD]

Pippin: Where the hell did all this snow come from?

Gandalf: Don't blame me. Who knew that mountains could be cold on top?

Gimli: Told you we should go through the mines.

Strider: Let the dwarf have his way.

Legolas: Fine, whatever, just open the door.

Gimli: Ummm, I have no idea how to get inside.

Boromir: What a bunch of dicks.

Gandalf: Of course! (applies C4 to the problem) [POOF]

Sam: Such magic.

Merry: Ooooo, dead dwarf over here!

Gimli: Boo hoo.


Gandalf: Twit.

Orcs: Oh good, we were getting hungry. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to keep an army fed in these abandonded mines?

Boromir: (Slash)

Legolas: (Pfft)

Gimli: (Whack)

Orcs: This is definitely putting a damper on our relationship.

Frodo: Ouch!

Strider: Alas, the Ring-bearer has perished! Our quest has failed!

Frodo: Just kidding. I did the slide-blade-between-arm-and-chest trick while I was standing in profile to y'all. Pretty funny, eh?

Balrog: Dammit, I was sound asleep. That really ticks me off.

Gandalf: We are so doomed.

Strider: Not if we run away! (does so)

Boromir: First good idea you've had. (follows)

hobbits: (already in the lead)

Gandalf: (trailing) It matters not! You cannot outrun the demon!

Legolas: We don't have to . . .

Gimli: . . . we just have to outrun *you*.

Balrog: Your ass is mine, wizard. (drags Gandalf down with him)

Strider: Woe is upon our company, that Gandalf has fallen!

Frodo: I'm over it.

Sam: Yeah, let's go, there's no food here.

Legolas: Wondrous are these woods!

Gimli: And full of cutthroat elves.

Celeborn: We were told of your coming. Well, "warned" is more accurate.

Galadriel: I know you better than you know yourselves.

Sam: You've got nothing better to do with your time?

Galadriel: Wake up, Frodo, and look in the mirror.

Frodo: Geez, can't a guy get some sleep around here? What mirror are you babbling about, there's just this birdbath full of water.

Galadriel: But it shows magic pictures of things that may or may not be!

Frodo: I'm guessing you're a day trader. Here, you take the ring.

Galadriel: I will not. (hangs her head) I lost the instructions.

Frodo: Great, I'm still stuck with it.

Celeborn: Check-out time!

Pippin: (singing) Row row row your boat, gently down-

Gimli: Shut the hell up. Seven hours of that is enough.

Strider: All this beautiful scenery is giving me a very bad feeling.

Boromir: Give me the ring.

Frodo: Notice as I put it on that it not only makes me invisible, it also apparently teleports me away from your clutches.

Boromir: Arrrrrgghhh! I'm just trying to save my kingdom! Where is a rake I can step on, that it might strike my head? Ah, this will do nicely. (whack)

Frodo: Best thing for me to do now is head for the most dangerous place in the world.

Sam: Works for me. (they leave)

SuperOrcs?: Kill kill kill!

Merry: Help, help, Auntie Em! (waves his tiny sword pathetically)

Pippin: Christ, look at the size of these guys, we're dead meat.

Boromir: Fear not, little hobbits, I shall blow my special horn and we shall be rescued by soldiers . . who are . . hundreds . . of . . miles . . away . . guess we are pretty stuffed after all. (dies)

SuperOrcs?: Kill kill kill!

Legolas: Look at my form. Damn, I'm good.

Gimli: I'm environmentally friendly --- blood makes the grass grow.

Strider: Looks like Frodo got away. Well, there's no chance in hell I'm going to step one foot closer to Mordor, so let's go the exact opposite direction.

Legolas: Okay.

Gimli: Sure.


Yeah, that's about two hours.