Transgender Diaries

 

Denise’s First Christmas

 

The season was fast approaching and I was stressed out, like everyone else, sort of.  The fact was that I was dealing with several issues that I had no answers to and the uncertainty was perhaps worse than the reality of the situation.  It had been agreed that I should transition, and for the past few weeks I had been spending more and more time living as Denise. This included several trips to Bedford, Dartmouth, and Halifax and as far away as the Annapolis Valley.

 

Since my youngest was in her first year of junior high, it had been agreed that it would be better if I could hold off going public till she completed her first year. This would allow her to establish herself before my reputation over-rode all else. Living in a rural area, things like that tend to happen often.

 

I had received a call and arranged with another TS and a genetic female friend to go to the Christmas at the Halifax Forum. We met in Bedford and I traveled with them. This was to be the most public and up close situation I had ever faced. We started to enter the forum with me trailing a little behind, and suddenly one of the men at the doorway thrusts a basket in my face. “Merry Christmas my dear, have a candy, and I hope you enjoy yourself.”  Another man opened the door for me and I stumble through with what must have been the strangest look of panic, shock and elation. He had said “DEAR”. The word hung in my ears like bright pearls. It left me in a daze as I wandered the stalls until my friends decided they had spent enough. I actually had only enough money for the gas home. 

They decided we would go to Burger King for a bite to eat and again that grasp of terror tightened around my chest.  We parked and I settled in at a table while my companions purchased the food. I remember almost nothing of the conversation, but when it was suggested we use the bathroom, my emotions went into overdrive. If there was one place I had not yet learned to be relaxed in, it was the female washroom. Regardless of my fears and in fact because of them, my friends had been deliberately feeding me all day with food and coffee while staying away from what they knew was my biggest barrier.  With no option but to “GO” I joined the pair and we literally took over the two cubicle washroom. I was fast, very fast, and then I started to wash my hands in a hurry, so as to get out before anyone picked on me. Suddenly, the room reverberated from a man pounding on the door and shouting, “I am coming in.”  Well, talk about panic; I was halfway up the wall of the building next door while still washing my hands. The door crashed open and a large man rushed in. Stopped suddenly, looking at my friend and I. It seemed like an eternity as those few seconds flew by. Suddenly he looked confused and rapidly apologized, saying he thought it was empty and he had planned to clean –up. Then he backed out and the door shut. Ten seconds of silence and then my friends were killing themselves laughing at my reaction to it all. As for me, I gave up any idea of drying anything, grabbed my bag and did not stop rushing till I reached the car.

 

It was to be a Christmas Tale my spouse and my friends would recall often.

 

I know I’ll never forget Denise’s first Christmas.

 

Merry Christmas everyone