ShortJokes

Happily Married

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No", she said, "I was a hooker in Halifax and I worked both sides of the harbour."

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicoloured hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewellery and his earring are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old fart...didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son."

Did you hear about the lesbian home building company? They use no studs, all the work is tongue in groove.

(The lesbian run gay newspaper called "Coming Up" (now the "Bay Times") in San Francisco ran a full-page advertizement on April 1 for an all-women's bicycle messenger service, the company was called: "Lickety Split")

There are two groups of people in this world: people who believe that everyone can be split into two groups, and people who don't.

There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who can count in binary, and those who can't.

This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says ?What?ll ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."

A set of jumper cables walked into a bar, the bartender said, "OK, we'll serve you, just don't start anything."

Marlin goes to the Shell Station with his Baracuda... he's got engine trouble... Mechanic says, "Looks like you've blown a seal". Marlin replies, "Just fix the damn car and leave my personal life out of it!"

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to get his wife's test results.

The lab technician says to him, "I'm very sorry, sir, but we've\xA0had a bit of a problem. At the same time we sent your wife's samples to\xA0the\xA0lab, the lab also received samples from another Mrs. Smith, and now we're\xA0not sure which results are your wife's. But, frankly, it's either bad news or terrible news!"

"What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith.

"Well....one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. And we can't tell which is your wife's test."

"This is terrible!" cries Mr. Smith. "Can't we do the test over?" "Normally, yes," says the technician, "but you have Blue Cross\xA0Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith.

"Blue Cross recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

When you go to a restaurant and your waiter says, If you need anything else, my name is Jim, and you wonder what his name is if you don't need anything else.

What does Spinach and Anal Sex have in common? If forced to have it as a child, you will hate it when you grow up

This page is part of HumourCategory.