Very Secret Diary of Ringwraith No. 5

Day 1:

Just opened Christmas pressie from Sauron. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty ring!

Day 1,000,967:

Got box of chocolates as Christmas bonus from Dark Lord, again. As per usual, Sauron ate all the toffees and left the strawberry creams. How I detest this life of vile servitude.

Still disembodied.

Day 1,001,056:

V. bored in Barad-Dur. Nothing to do but play Scrabble with Orcs. Is v. annoying as Orcs only know Black Speech of Mordor. You try spelling Azg Nazg Gimbatul for a triple word score. Yeah, I didn't think so.

Day 1,001,102:

Suspect Sauron gearing up for something. Walked in on him applying ceremonial sparkly mascara. Suspect he will be v. happy when he has body back and can really dress up again.

Day 1,001,105:

Yes, Sauron definitely gearing up for something. Have been given orders to sally forth and hunt down hobbit and close personal hobbit friend, who have somehow gotten hold of Ruling Ring.

Witch-King of Angmar's suggestion to place pictures of Ruling Ring on milk cartons and wait for calls to come in was ignored.

Day 1,001,106:

Have been given brand spanking new horse. Not for spanking, of course. Go me!

On minus side, still disembodied.

Day 1,001,107:

V. close to nabbing Ringbearer tonight, but head Nazgul suffered attack of giggles while observing excessive cuddliness of Ringbearer and his three "companions." Suspect Gandalf chose Ringbearer on account of big blue eyes and pouty lower lip, rather than possession of heroic-type fortitude. Will catch up with pretty-boy Hobbit and harem of pint-sized boyfriends in Bree. V. much looking forward to post-slaughter booze-up.

Day 1,001,109:

Drat that Aragorn. Drat Isildur and all his Heirs. Generations of pervy Hobbit-fanciers, of no use to anyone. Son of Arathorn has Hobbit-napped the Ringbearer.

To combat disappointment at failure to achieve goals set by Sauron, spent all night boozing it up in Bree. Breelanders v. informative.

Drinks: 10 Mai Tais (then impaled innkeeper on swizzle stick)

Killed: 17 human men. Go us!

Day 1,001,115:

Have been following Isildur's heir and pack of Hobbits for six days. Aragorn obviously into Ringbearer.

Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day 1,001,116:

Got slightly over-frisky with Ringbearer at Weathertop. Aragorn went all wonky and possessive and set me on fire.

And indeed, Sam did try to kill me although did not notice had been hit in knees with frying pan until later on.

Day 1,001,119:

Met she-elf girlfriend of Isildur's Heir today. Was so busy laughing at concept of Aragorn the Hobbit Fancier having "girlfriend" that inconveniently got washed away in stream. Horse dead, armor all rusted. Must return to Mordor for oiling. No, not that kind of oiling. Rather a pervy wraith-fancier, aren't you, what?

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