Wayne and I met at NS Tractors on Kempt Road; he was the cleaner and I was the security guard stationed at the front door. Wayne was already " OUT " before I arrived on the scene (he said his mother always blamed me for that); we would sit at the front desk and play cards on his break. A tall thin boy with curly brown hair and a moustache and a personality that just made you want to like him. We sat playing our cards one night as usual, him in his tight blue jean cutoff shorts and at some point he had arranged himelf so that his privates were hanging outside the bottom. Beleive it or not but at this time I was a little on the reservered side (not shy) and I told him it was not the time or the place. We did end up having sex together but we were just not compatible that way and so we remained friends. Wayne finally came to work with the guard company and landed at a desk job on a gate. One day I was given notice that he had been let go and no reason was given. Wayne told me later that day that he had been caught leaving gay mags on the guard desk and that when a few of them had seen them,he put a smile on some of their faces.
Our friendship lasted until he died, not as close in the last years although it seemed we were becoming closer friends again when he was diagnosed with HIV. He like a lot of us had a hard time dealing with our status but Wayne was having an especially hard time of it, not physically as much as in his mind. He would call me on the phone some nights trying to explain how he felt and I guess I just never really caught on to how much stress and confusion he was feeling.
We lost contact with one another again and I assumed everything was alright because he had a partner and they seemed happy together. One day as I am walking downtown, I was informed that Wayne was dead and not from HIV related disorders.
I was mad at Wayne for a long time for denying me one last hello, one last goodbye, one more time to talk. I know he is happy now and I am no longer mad, just glad that I will always have him as a FRIEND.
When I saw "T" ( Trent ) walk in the door; my heart just about stopped. A handsome young man that made me stutter (not outwardly but inside) and trust me on this one, I don't get weak knees easily. Trent may not have been a greek god or most peoples vision of what beauty was all about but he did it for me. To me he was the most handsome in the world and no-one will ever tell me different. Trent is the most caring and loving person I have ever met.
This is a particularily hard story for me to write as this is where I messed up big time !! To have what you have always wanted in the palm of your hand and let it slip away; someone that only wanted me and nobody else.This was a very awkward and confusing stage in my life and like a boy in a candy shop;
I wanted all the candies.
I usually blamed my sending him away on his being too young but he came back time after time and I do not know why after the way I treated him so. Telling Trent that he needed to go out and experience some life but he said "he only wanted ME!". We had some good times together and I will always cherrish them and we also cried. I know he was feeling the way I felt from my experience before.
Trent did finally leave; moving many miles away and I never heard from him for the longest time. He did come and visit; once when I was living in Dartmouth but it was never the same. I thought about Trent for many years and I finally found him on ICQ chat program a few years ago. He had a lover and all seemed to be going well; then a few months later he informed me that he was breaking up and moving to his own place. I kept in contact for a few more months and I guess he either did not want to hear from me again or he just moved and did not tell me. I always wanted to tell him that I still love him but something just kept the words caught deep inside.
The very thought of Trent gives me a warm glo
At the time we met, Trent was much younger than me. I did'nt know by how much until months later. It was common practice back then have fake ID's; he did look like he could pass for 19 and I really did think he was. We started seeing each other and I was in heaven and never wanted it to end. It was not only the sex ( I could have that almost anytime at a drop of a hat ), Trent made me feel good as a person.
When I finally found out about his real age, I was taken back. I liked a little younger than myself but 18 was a little too young and now I am in a quandary about what to do; we were very much stricken with each other . A young man this age needs a lot of things ( an education, time to grow up and room to breath without the stress of an adult life ). When I did decide to break it off and told Trent to go and get more life experience, he was heart broken and crying and I stood there feeling like a heel. He did say he only wanted me and he said it again months later and the year after that. Even tho I tried moving on and when I was across the room with someone else, I could feel his eyes and all I had to do was look right to where he was. There was never any searching around the room as I could sense it and feel it " his passion for me and mine for him ". I never slept around when Trent and I were together; except on one occassion and that was a few years later. I don't know if he ever knew but I felt like a piece of shit that I had and I also had a feeling he knew but he never said a word ( ever ). There were those times that he thought I did and the crying sessions made me feel guilty for something I never had done. My job at the bar would take me home late and some nights you stayed later and other nights I would go for coffee or to a restaurant with friends. He had good reason to be suspicious; I was a very sexual being at the time and I liked to flirt and I liked to be flirted at and if it happened when he was in the same room !!!!
Those times that Trent and I were not together were hard on him, sometimes I would end up seeing someone that was also his friend and that put that relationship on a nervous string. Like I said before about Halifax being a " confined community space ", never proved to be more true. His friends never told me about the tension but I knew it was there. Even tho I saw other people, my heart was never in it and never has been.
I remember the time I was working as Dj at Rumours Club and Trent was standing on the edge of the floor right across from the booth, we had been apart again and he was there standing, it was like there was no-one else in the room; all I could see was him. I was hoping the half tinted glass of the booth would hide my stare and I only came back to reality when I realized the record was about to play into the label. I finally took a break from the booth and went over and we nervously talked for a few minutes. At some point we kissed and I seem to remember applause from some in the room; it was no secret and especially to the staff about our love.
That nite turned into yet another try at our on again/off again relationship. Maybe I am remembering this all wrong and maybe its close to being right. But he will always be standing there" Thru My Eyes "
It was one of those days again, working well into the night, I stopped and turned on the sound system and took the microphone to the middle of the dance floor; never giving a second thought about the time of morning or that someone may be sleeping. Trent was very much on my mind this night and I wanted to vent the only the way I knew how. Singing by myself and for myself, way off in that far away land that only I could go (Judy would be proud!). I was never a good guitar player and never claimed to be but strummed away the best I knew how. Randy Gaynor, Terry Despres and Mert Mattice lived across the street in the Green Lantern Building along with David Gray and his mother and a host of more. David and his mother lived in the back of the building so I guess they never heard my chants on those nights. Terry did tho because he knocked on the fire escape door one morning, not to complain but visit (he had other things on his mind). Terry was a nice kid, an aspiring actor who did get some parts in a few movies, including the bar scene in "Craig Russels" first movie and a movie about a submarine (I don't remember the name of that movie). Terry may or may not have been my type (he was sexy in a different way) but tonite I was somewhere else and sent him away. Terry joined that list of fallen comrades and I will have to wait a while to find out. None of the others ever said anything but I am quite sure that I created a few hours of amusement if not a loss of sleep.
I used to use The Clubs reel to reel tape machine to create a loop back (a sort of reverb) and I could get quite an effect out of it. The sun was starting to rise and I'm thinking that I should stop soon when it finally came to me. All the words I was looking for.
Written and Sung By Reg Giles, 1981. Click here for the song.
The recording is old and the tape is a little stretched. It may not be the best written song in the world but its my song, my lament for what I had lost forever and may never have again.
Sittin by the ocean today Watching the tide wash the sand away. Sittin by the ocean today Thought I saw your face in a wave. But its an illusion can't you see Cause like the sands of time It faded away. Our love had no chance to begin Because two worlds that we live What good is a story without and end So for now........ Its farewell....My freind. Sittin by the ocean today Watching the tide wash the sand away. Sittin by the ocean today Thought I saw your face in a wave. But its an illusion can't you see Cause like the sands of time It faded away. Sittin by the ocean today All Alone Sittin by the ocean today Thinking of you Sittin by the ocean today All Alone Sittin by the ocean today Thinking of you Someday we will meet and and make an end Oh, our love Will never be lost around the bend After all........ What good is a book without and end Sittin by the ocean today Watching the tide wash the sand away. Sittin by the ocean today Thought I saw your face in a wave. But its an illusion can't you see Cause like the sands of time It faded....away. Sitting by the ocean today All Alone Sittin by the ocean today Thinking of you Sittin by the ocean today Drifting withe sand and time Sittin by the ocean today All alone thinking of you Sittin by the ocean today............ ****************************************